attention passengers:

Do not ride the Fung Wah Bus from Boston to New York and vice versa.  It is hell and the most uncomfortable four hours of your life.  

You may be saying to yourselves, "Duh, Kat. You stupid idiot. Of course the Fung Wah sucks. It is 15 dollars and it catches fire!" Save it.

It is 15 dollars.  A steal! And sometimes they get you to Boston in 3.5 hours! And usually there are mad babes to chat with while you are stopped at the McDonald's/Rest Area in CT.  So, I ride it.  I am a dedicated F.W patron for upwards of 5 years.  I have only broken down once and gotten pulled over twice.  I consider the lack of fire emergency a pro.

This particular trip however, I caught the 7 am bus to Boston on Friday morning.  It was wicked early, so everyone on the bus had their own seat (which almost never happens on those things) and just as we are about to leave a man in a woolen three piece 1950s mobster suit with fedora and feather steps on.  I know immediately that even though I am pretending to be snoozing with my headphones, hood and sunglasses on in perfect "don't sit here" demonstration, he sits on my backpack and curses in Spanish. Senor, you could have literally sat ANNNYWHERE ELSE! So, I am peeved I have to squish over to accomodate his luggage AND suit.  I dose off as we pull away towards the bridge.  I am just nodding off when he pushes my shoulder with his hand.  I wake up and turn to him.  He is pointing and chattering at me quickly.  I know "un pocito" I tell him but nod along to his words anyway.  I have no clue what he says, but I agree so I can go back to sleep.  

I sleep for an hour and wake up when we stop.  After grabbing my coffee and sitting back down, Senor opens up a large plastic Tupperware container.  He started eating a BAKED POTATO! At 8 in the morning! Complete with sour cream and cheese!!! I was gagging because of the smell and my proximity to him on the hot bus.  I pull out my VICE magazine that happens to have a fashion spread of topless girls modeling tights and shorts.  My cheeks are burning from embarrassment.  I read the mag and put it back in my backpack because I notice the Senor has fallen asleep. I consider this my chance to catch some zzz's before he wakes me up again and wants to chat.

He wakes up with a bolt and asks me (in spanish) to read my magazine.  I oblige.  I have no reason to say no except for the nudie pictures.  I hand him the magazine and he flips expertly to the topless girls.  I wanted to die.  He spent about 15 minutes inspecting the boobs of these Asian girls. I pretend to be asleep to give him some privacy.  After about half an hour he nudges me again and hands me the magazine.  I take it and turn away.  He begins to talk about his novia (girlfriend) and showing me pictures of her on his phone.  She had a mustache. Thank god by now we are passing Fenway Park and I know that I have five more minutes and then I can bolt. Which I did as soon as the bus was parked.  

On the way back to NYC, I took the Fung Wah again.  I need to learn my lesson.  It was a peaceful ride for the first two hours.  A guy in front of me reading a pretty hefty science text and I were chatting.  He was a babe.  And the girl next to me did not speak to me or eat a baked potato.  She was just listening to tunes and eating chips while I devoured an entire book in one hour.  After the second hour of the trip, a young gentleman behind me starts getting aggressive with words.  He wants the bus drive to pull over and blah blah.  Apparently he really wanted to stop, which the drivers are not obligated to do.  He marches up to the front of the bus and starts yelling at the bus driver.  He storms back and starts cursing about how the bus isn't going to stop.  He is bugging out.  He then proceeds to call the cops (Connecticut State Police) and claim that he has a medical condition and that they need to pull the bus over.  The police respond and pull the bus into a McD's/Rest Area.  The gentelman runs off of the bus and into McDonalds.  Everyone on the bus is hub-bubbing about what is going on and start to get up.  An officer comes on and tells everyone that wants to can get off the bus.  Most do so that they can hear what the cop is telling the driver.  

It turns out that the gentleman lied about a medical condition so that the bus would stop at this specific station.  He lives around the corner from the McD's. So, instead of riding to NY, the bus usually stops here and he gets off and leaves.  He was panicking because he was going to ride straight into NY... Everyone on the bus was laughing about the dude and slinging snarky comments around.  You know, bus relationships happen quickly.  

Then, some B in the back starts yelling that he should have stopped because she does, in fact, have diabetes. She storms off to tell the cops that she is outraged that he didn't stop so that she could eat.  When she stomped back on the guy in front of me and I both start telling her she should maybe plan ahead next time, they don't always stop, managing your sugar is important but you have to be prepared and blah blah. She just stared at us blankly as if she didn't understand.  I had a sinking feeling "diabetes" means "fat ass" to her.  Go ahead, eat those chicken McNuggets girl, you deserve them.  

So, in conclusion, the Fung Wah is cheap, is loud and is unpredictable.  If you are looking for a funny incident to tell your friends about when you arrive at your destination, Fung Wah is the way to go.  If you are looking for a safe, calm ride where people are normal and treat each other with respect, go Megabus.