i only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me.

I just read this morning in a Daily Intel blurb that amNew York is reporting that New Yorkers who binge drink are three times more likely to have 2-4 sexual partners in the past year than non-drinkers...

First of all: DUH. 

Second of all: Who in New York is considered a non-drinker these days? I mean between the failing economy and the price of a subway ride, how else are we supposed to deal with this? I didn't know that these so called 'non-drinkers' existed in this day and age. 

On top of all this, if I drink heavily they are saying that there is a RISK that I will be touched by a man? I am not going to lie, that is one risk I am fully prepared to take. God forbid I have a few too many and spend the rest of the night kissing someone I think looks like Seth Rogen...! 

However, my frequent binge drinking has not lead to this. At all...  

Let's say for instance that I was a normal human being with an average binging record and average amount of sexual partners.  Let's say one night a week drinking heavily and up to this point 4 sexual partners...

However, I drink heavily on Friday and Saturday nights. There are about 4 Fridays and 4 Saturdays per month. 12 months in a year. So that is about 96 nights worth of chances (give or take random Thursday nights and a few Wednesdays) to meet a sexual partner.  In the entirety of 2008 I had one. One singular male sexual partner.  

In conclusion, no matter how hard I drink, my level of sexual partners does not rise? What needs to change here? How do I become a part of that level of elite bingers? I am technically at a mysterious 'non-drinker' level right now. Let's step this up a notch.