dear fates, throw me a bone.

Dearest Controller of the Universe,

Hi, you probably know me already, but I'm but your humbled serf/underling, Kat.  You probably have been watching my progression and growth from atop your cloud (or whatever you sit on) and laughing like you are watching the new episode of 30 Rock: loudly, abruptly and intermittently. I am glad you find amusement in my numerous short comings but I am getting older now and I think it is time for you to let me go a little; let me fly free from crippling embarrassment/extremely ironic misfortune. 

If this is not possible I only ask that you stop presenting me with situations in which I seem to drown in 1 inch of water.  It is getting sad and a little tiring.  

Specifically, I would appreciate more dudes in '09.  By "dudes" I mean actual men/boys/guys that I can touch.  Not the naughty touch, just touch.  Seth Rogen, Joey Fatone, 'Jazz' and several other dudes in '09 are not real life.  Stop wafting them towards me like a pungent perfume.  Is this going to be forever?

Also, I ask (beg) that you control my inability to keep my mouth shut.  I know that PBR/Tequila often is to blame for this problem but I know that it is your fault sometimes too.  I do enjoy being snarky, sassy and outspoken, but certain utterances can be contained.

I know you are the same character that makes Meg fall or slip or break things as well as the being responsible for the creation of Snuggies, teen pregnancy, Olivia from the City, molten hot pizza rolls and chub rub... so can you get rid of those things too?

I would be forever indebted to you. YOUR MAJESTY.

xoxo,

Kat

why are you listening to hard rock music?

I love living in close proximity to people who are not your family, but you treat them as such... aka roommates.  For example, this morning I got up around 9am which is early for me.  I stumble in my underwears to the kitchen to make myself a coffee.  I hear what seems to be loud rock music coming from Jon's open door.  This conversation follows:

Me: Why are you listening to hard rock music? (in a grumbly morning voice)

Jon: (peeking out of his room whilst dressing) It's Something Corporate...

Me: Oh, sounds like rock to me.

Jon: You're an idiot.

Jon and I are in no way related... except one time we told an entire party that we were step brother and sister.  His dad married my mom in a romantic Brady Bunch way.  They believed us and it became a disaster from there on out. ANNNYYWAY... Jon and I are not related. But, we were facing each other in the early morning light in our underwear arguing about Something Corporate.  And I thought to myself as I poured my coffee, "Is this real life?" 

Is this how roommates normally interact?  This may not seem weird to anyone else, but I think standing in underwear talking to your roommate is so ridiculous.  I mean granted, it is a home and therefore you are allowed to do what you please (within reason), but it just seems funny to me that underwear interaction is so common and just a shrug of the shoulders.

It is completely my fault.  I think Jon and I are the only ones who do it, so it is natural that we chat in our underwear.  But, listening to "I Kissed a Drunk Girl" at 9am while in your underwear?  It just seems to me that this is behavior for a) a married couple who need to find a new band b) a brother/sister combo c) boyfriend/girlfriend combo... 

Maybe we are breaking down walls here.  Starting a new era of roommate comfortability? We shall see. ROOMMATES EVERYWHERE HERE THIS: UNDERWEAR IS OKAY!

don't you know? pump it up!

It seems like every time I travel to NJ I lose a piece of my soul before I return.  Don't get me wrong, I love NJ.  For some reason, it speaks to me.  I love the strip malls, the chain restaurants, the reputation, even the conglomerate of people that seem to be everywhere.  Maybe it is just one of those places that is fun to visit and people who live there have mixed feelings.  

This weekend marked my first trip to New/East Brunswick.  It was Jones' birthday/a show in their attic.  On the drive there I realized it reminded me a lot of Baltimore because of the bridge getting to it and just the way the streets are set up. 

Jones' birthday was really fun because not only did I get to witness strangers screaming their lungs out to "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" but I played the drums for a little which made my fingers tingle.  I really honestly should start actually learning how to play.  I want to be a drummer more than a lot of other things currently.  

The wild dance party that ensued was hysterical because everyone was spilling all over each other and bouncing around.  This one guy knew the ENTIRE 99 Problems rap which was astonishing.  

Towards the beginning of the night I had found a camera in the bathroom while I was in there (strictly business) and I took a picture of myself on the can for a chuckle.  About two hours later a random girl screams at me from across the room: 

"YOU!" she points to me and makes her way over.

"Yeah?" I am scared.

"Did you take a picture of yourself on the toilet with my camera?"

"...Y...Y...Yes?" What? Was I going to lie and say no? It was me. 

"THAT IS SO COOL!!! GOOD JOB!"

"Phew." I thought she was going to kill me.

After that little incident things kind of died down for me... until the fall from grace, but I won't go into details because a girl has to have some of her secrets.  

The next day we visited Robbit Wilkey in rehab (physical not drug/alcohol related).  While we were outside enjoying the sun and shootin the shit with Robbit, this old-ish woman in a wheel chair squeaks over to us, smoking a cigarette.  She proceeds to question us (me, Kim and Lu) about college and the PSATs and the SATs.  I tried to answer fully so that she would be satisfied and creep away.  But she just sat there, almost in Lu's lap, letting her cigarette burn away to a long thing of ash.  Just as we are about to continue our own private conversation, she begins talking about how living here is so much cheaper than an apartment and that she has been there for three years because she had a stroke/brain aneurism.  We are staring at her open mouthed when she utters:

Woman: "You know Jason, the physical therapy guy.  He told me that he read in a medical memo that eating bean sprouts will make your dick grow 2 inches..."

Us: "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" followed by an embarrassed blank stare.

Woman: "So, there you go. Eat them bean sprouts."

Me: "I should get on that."

Woman: "What are you the 8th Wonder of the World?  The longest one eyed monster?"

Me: "Heheheh." as I try to fit myself into the crack in the pavement.

WTF!?!?! Get out of here you crazy old bat!  You just said the D word in front of my friend's dad!!!!! Go back to your room and talk to your wall if you want to say those kinds of things!

That night we went to the Omega Diner with Steveley.Far and Jones and had a lovely dinner.  It was the fanciest diner I have ever seen.  Not to mention f-ing huge! We were all dead from the night before (still) and it was funny to piece together all the hysterical things that happened.  I think that is my favorite part of parties, the day after.  Everyone just sits around, dead, and laughs and laughs about all the stupid things that people did.  After returning from yet another trip to NB in twelve hours, we went back to Lu's basement and watched the only movies worth watching on a Sunday night after a rager: Twilight and Holiday in the Sun (featuring MaryKate and Ashley Olsen).  Good asstimes.

Life lesson: A friend in need is a friend indeed. Right Lu?

dear diary, that party had a body count.

ON Saturday we [Meg, Jon, Ben & I] traveled to New Jersey for a Long Island Iced Tea Party at Kim's house.  We dressed the nines in the fanciest tea party clothes: I wore a dress that I made and hand painted, Jon wore a green blazer, white patterned shirt and a plaid tie w. his tortoises shell glasses, Meg wore a black dress and a fancy hat with netting and Ben wore a black skinny tie/vest/white shirt combo.  We looked pretty sharp, not gonna lie.  We took the bus from Port Authority to Old Bridge and I rode around in an abandoned shopping cart until Lu picked us up.  We then drove to Wawa for supplies and I spent more that a minute staring at the ICEE machines in awe.  

When we got to Kim's, we discovered her basement is an exact replica of the 1970s complete with a bar and a mirrored liquor advertisement.  It was most excellent.  Meg and I colored a psychedelic picture of Alice in Wonderland to decorate.  It was one of those felted pictures you get a fairs... it turned out only okay because we had limited marker choice.  We were sipping LITs out of our tea cups while people started arriving.

Most of the kids there I had either met before or heard about through the grape vine.  Lu and I reunited for a smashing game of ruit but we lost miserably... again.  We actually accomplished more trash talking than cup hitting.  

Meg Walsh made the most delicious vegan cupcakes.  They were Earl Grey with a lemon icing... they were heaven. Jon and I nommed one or two in the corner singing praises of Meg's baking skills.

We played flip cup it was me, Lu, Meg and Mon against Jones, Steve Farley, Kevin JH and someone else I can't remember.... We kept doing the Seahawk chant from Homecoming and scaring the pants off unsuspecting bystanders.  Our team lost the game even though it was a valiant effort on both sides.

At one point in the night all the girls at the party were standing in the middle of the floor, WORKING and all the dudes were just staring at us like 6th graders.  Come on! Join in you turds! It made me feel very weird.  It was off putting.  I guess I am just used to hanging out with guys that would jump right in, even if they looked stupid.  I would have admired them if they did.

The night went on with fun times and laughing and good tunes.  We ended up taking over 380 pictures.  I consider that a win for us.

The next day we all woke up like zombies from a grave.  We helped Kim clean up and reminisced about events that happened not 6 hours before.  Then we went to the Bridgewater Diner.  Most of us we still feeling the effects of drinking both LIT and PBRs so we were a little queezy.  I had eggs, homefries and toast with about 40,000 diet cokes.  It was very good food.  The diner was way classier that I have ever encountered before.  I should have gotten a turkey burger instead...

Around 5 Jon, Meg, Ben and I took the bus home.  The subway took a thousand hours because someone "was sick" in the train ahead of us.  BUT we did see Marvita from Top Model (you know, the one with the horse mane from Whitney's season?)  When we got home Meg, Jon and I laid on the couches and watched Hannah Montana, Harry Potter, The Amazing Race and America's Funniest Home Videos.  

It was a great weekend.  I met some cool new people, got to go time travel, ate the best cupcake of my life, make a dress & go to Jersey... duh.

Classy- 1, Sassy- 0.  Thanks Steve, I'll work on that.

lawst.

It is sad that my life derives its meaning from the television shows that I watch. Like today for instance is a good day because Lost is on tonight. Tuesdays are bad days because there is no scheduled viewing. Thursdays are freakin' sweet because they consist of the Office and 30 Rock. Fridays are usually party/friendship days and obviously the weekend is chalk full of activities. Mondays are GG and the City....
Is it bad that I spend an enitre Wednesday foaming at the mouth for JJ Abrams' genius? No. Although watching Lost over in 1868 is totally not as cool as LOST CLUB in Guild 301. But now, I have a DHARMA teesh so...
What it all boils down to is that I need a job. This will better my life significantly as well as provide me with money, so I can eat dinner & watch the telly. Instead of just watching and being hungry. Or thirsty.
I think Alec Baldwin is on to something with this Hulu business about mushy brains. I can hear a squishy sound when I turn my head quickly... weird.

talkin' outcho neck.

Unfortunately, because of my current unemployment, I am forced to spend my days glued to a computer chair, formatting and reformatting my resume and cover letter, basically pleading with companies to let me clean their toilets.  It's sad actually.  I am not below cleaning toilets with a 4 year BA from a private institution under my belt.  But, alas, I am viewed as overqualified... 

Fortunately, because of my current unemployment, I spend my days glued to a computer chair.  This allows me to keep updated with much of the hot gossip on such sites as gawker.com.  I also spent a considerable amount of my day today on sethrogen.com (my ultimate would).  Recently Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen, Jason Siegel and Jonah Hill graced the cover of the April 2009 Vanity Fair cover in an Annie Leibovitz spoof of the 2005 Tom Ford/ScarJo/Keira Knightley nude cover.  OH HOW I WISH THEY WERE NUDE... but no, they are all (save for Rudd) wearing nude colored leotards.  Apparently this is causing an uproar within the feminist blogging community... 

A) who the fuck reads feminist blogs?

B) why they fuck would feminist care?

I LOL'd at a recent post on Shakesville condemning the shoot: 

"Even when women do what they're meant to do by the fucked-up standards of The Patriarchy-get naked and submit themselves for public objectification-they're going to get mocked for doing it. Because, even though we're ostensibly laughing at the Judd ApatowBoyz for their uproarious send-up of a sexy female-oriented VF cover, implicit in that laughter is a condemnation and marginalization of the female-oriented cover: See how silly it is when a man does it?! Ho ho ho."

Umm, really? Honestly, who (besides me and only for Seth Rogen) has an overwhelming urge to see these guys naked?  I don't think it is patriarchal condemnation of the female cover.  I think the photographers were merely shielding the eyes of the Vanity Fair readers.  People who buy this mag usually prefer beauty and high end not Jonah Hill's fat naked ass... I mean, if it were Jude Law, Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt DUUUHHHH they would be naked.  It is actually shallow of Vanity Fair to not put those funny ass dudes naked.  I would, jus' sayin'.

ANNNYYYYYWAAYYYYYY

I had a lot of fun with my little sister these past few days.  She is a nut.  We went to the wax museum which cost a million dollars but worth it because I got to touch what I pretended was Joey Fatone.  I took her shopping a little.  She just gets fiercer and fiercer and I am afraid she is going to be infinitely cooler than me very soon.  It's completely awesome that she is old enough now to be my peer.  She is almost 20... weird.  But before, I felt like I had to hold back when I was around her because she was so innocent, but now college has tainted her and I feel like I can curse in front of her.  (She curses back!) We got snowed in on Monday.  We literally loafed around all fucking day and watched TV and ate food. Allday. It was a dream.  I missed her as soon as the Chinatown bus turned the corner.  She is too cool for her own good.

So, now back to applying for jobs and reading gawker.com. FML.

white rabbit.

Last night I went to my alma matter (the old staten island stomping grounds) and saw Threepenny Opera. It was dec. My heart almost burst with pride for Regan. He is an angel from heaven. And that voice!!! My goodness.
It is always strange to go back to Wagner. I get this really weird feeling that I had never actually gone there and that I just had a dream that I did. Everyone looks young and the entire feeling of the school seems to lack whatever it was that drew me there in the first place. At the same time I miss going to 301 and just sitting around chat chitting or watching movies or being hung over and walking to brunch. Going back there is like unearthing a buried friend. You hope that they are going to be all preserved just the way you remember them, but it turns out it is just bones. Wagner is just bones.
I am about to depart to Mdme. Tussaud's Wax Museum to entertain Girl. It will most likely be a most excellent adventure because I enjoy making a scene. However, I am prepared to go to jail for stealing the Jonas Brothers new wax figures... I plead the fifth already.
Happy first day of March!