mad old.

i wrote these a while back on my m' space.
now they are here.
enjoy.

these things i know.

Last night I participated in one of the most outrageous nights of my young life. Once again trusting Jon Grenon was an excellent choice... in hindsight. Of course it's always 20/20. Another gay bar, another sweaty man with nipple rings grinding with one of my old professors to "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on I)". Why do I feel like so many of my nights consist of watching my male friends in awkward dancing situations clutching their drinks and displaying the most desperate facial expressions...? Maybe because it's the truth?So, after the numerous displays of affection from people I have not seen in four years who miraculously remember "my face", watching my mentors spank their students, Jon and Armand and I decided it would be best if we left that place and never looked back.When we finally got onto the L train (thanks maintenance) I decided to take a nap on the bench. It was going to be a long ride right? How little I knew then.Out of the corner of my sleepy eye I see a bearded, ski jacket clad guy sit right at the edge of my moccasin-ed feet. Because it was SO crowded that it was necessary to sit right next to me... Jon and Armand's posture changed to alert mode. I knew that something was about to happen.I see the man-boy staring at my feet. I pretend not to notice."Your shoe has a hole in it." Damn. He spoke."Yeah. I know. They are old.""You should get new ones. That's unacceptable." Thanks, guy."I am. But these are my favorite. Plus it doesn't bother me.""What if it is wet?""I don't wear them when it is wet outside.""What about those surprise days?""Um, it sucks. I move on." Where is this conversation going?He then turns his awkward attention at Jon, "Your head has 4 holes in it."What is this dude's obsession with holes?"They aren't holes. They are fade marks. And there is more than four.""Oh, yeah."The rest of the subway ride consisted of him listening to our conversation, defining the difference between Vanilla Ice's "Ice, Ice Baby" and "Under Pressure" by Queen. Apparently there is an extra duh somewhere....He left us at Morgan after racially profiling Armand. I really, really should stop listening to/going out with Jon. But if I didn't I would never have:gotten a free drink from my arch enemy from collegewatched my advisor motorboat a male studenthelped a very drunk, very hairy, half-naked pierced man with his belt buckleeaten cheeze-its at 4:00 am that I procured from a hole in the wallgiven a person with no legs a lighter for christmas
These things I know now.

fml.
So, last night I was tricked into venturing to a seedy gay bar in Williamsburg with my roommate Jon. There was no sign on the door. No ID check, no anything establishing it as a bar and not an abandoned garage. For the first three hours of this adventure we were the sole customers at that establishment until our other roommate Meg and her boyfriend Ben showed for a little. Word traveled fast through the five patrons (three of which I live with) that a drag show was coming... It turns out the bar is not only a gay bar but the kind where there are naked dancing men and men serving drinks with their assholes hanging out... and a ton of fierce lesbians. Jon and I shook off our attitudes and started dancing in the crowd. I was actually having fun... at a gay bar?The drag show started and I was brought onstage being one of the only straight girls there. The queen (Bianca) made me play name that tune and do an interpretive dance to disco music in front of an audience of my peers.I came in second place. Some trash from long island took the gold.At least I got a free drink out of it?When I went to the bathroom, after fighting of a gaggle of judys taking pictures in the mirror, I sat down and looked at the graffiti on the stall. "Be alone. It's going to be okay". Right there in front of my eyes.How could a bathroom wall speak to me so?I believe that if I went to that bathroom, and looked for it again, it would be gone.It was just for me to see.After dancing to "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" like a fucking lunatic, Jon was accosted by a wet noodle who proceeded to spank him and pull his hair. I knew the night was over.I learned many things last night: I can't, in fact, dance; I am pretty good at name that tune; never underestimate the power of a hair pull in clearing a room and to trust Jon when he says "it's okay, it got three out of five stars on yelp.com".